“I love you more than your mask” (Rich Mullins).
When Narcissism
Comes to Church: Healing Your Community from Emotional and Spiritual
Abuse
Author: Chuck
DeGroat
Publisher:
InterVarsity Press
Pages: 192
In the foreword to
When Narcissism Comes to Church Richard Mouw writes, “I was
struck by how often news reports and casual conversations include the
word narcissistic” (1).
I have even used the term without knowing much about it, which is why
I wanted to read this book. Author Chuck DeGroat offers much-needed
wisdom, drawn from a background of pastoring, therapy and theology.
Scholarly yet applicable to everyday life, it is a valuable resource
for the church and the academic world.
Rather than taking
an us versus them mentality, DeGroat writes, “My hope is that this
book will invite each of us to ask how we participate in narcissistic
systems while providing clear resources for those traumatized by
narcissistic relationships, particularly in the church” (4). This
approach reminds me of the quote from Alexander Solzhenitsyn, “The
line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between
classes, nor between political parties either—but
right through every human heart—and
through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates
with the years. And even within hearts overwhelmed by evil, one small
bridgehead of good is retained.”
This book helped me
realize how complex this issue can be. Learning that this behavior
falls on a scale that ranges from normal to toxic confirms that
labels are tossed around too freely.
The author advocates
leaving the labeling to the experts. That’s not to say the average
person cannot recognize traits that may be part of a diagnosis. The
author, however, encourages self-examination, while not mitigating
the real damage done by others. It’s this combination of analysis
and a balanced perspective that makes this more than a self-help
book.
Initially, I may
have been disappointed because it can get technical. It’s more
academic than self-help, but it strikes a reasonable balance between
the two. The clinical influence makes the book more valuable because
it can serve as a diagnostic tool. The church needs this kind of
resource to point people in the right directions. It makes it clear
that those who have been wounded need therapy, not a self-help book.
As I have read and heard here and elsewhere, it’s wise not to try
and go it alone.
This goes a long way
towards defining and outlining treatment approaches. In the
beginning, the author cites Christopher Lasch’s definition of
narcissism: the “longing to be freed from longing” (4). It’s a
desire to be free from the constraint of human limitations. This
longing to be superhuman wreaks havoc on relationships.
It is a passion that
makes the narcissist less than human. “The masks meant to protect
ourselves and ease the ache of longing become the only faces we know”
(4).
What surprised me is
the author’s contention that shame is an underlying factor. Those
with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) lose touch with their
true feelings in the attempt to hide their shame and pain.
Since shame is no
longer well understood in our culture, it might help to think of it
in terms of feelings of inadequacy, continually falling short.
Thinking that we don’t measure up. This enables me to understand it
better and see why it would lead to putting on false fronts. The
person is ashamed and seeks to hide their true selves, wishing to be
what they project.
Just as you find
individuals like this in the realms of government, business,
education and all spheres of life, the church is not immune. Those of
us within can bear witness to what Christian psychologist Diane
Langberg says of the narcissist, “He has many gifts but the gift of
humility” (15). Sadly, humility probably gets overlooked when
hiring leaders. Henri Nouwen writes, “The long painful history of
the church is the history of people ever and again tempted to choose
power over love, control over the cross, being a leader over being
led” (18).
I think of the
promotion that I received for The Pastor of Kilsyth,
a short biography of W. H. Burns. “In our celebrity-driven age
(from which the evangelical church is far from exempt), this is
exactly the kind of life we need to study. We need to be reminded of
the beauty, dignity and ultimately the glory of humble, obscure
Christian service” (Matthew 10:42). This is the antithesis
of many but not all
narcissists.
For as the author explores in
this book, it comes in many forms.
DeGroat sees
hiddenness as a factor in why this trait is found in the church.
Church leaders can struggle with secrecy as much as anyone and in
some cases there is no real accountability. Plus, increasingly
churches look for charismatic individuals that can do what a CEO does
for a business. With such demands is it any wonder that we find
narcissists among us?
Understanding
narcissism is the subject of chapter two. The author takes a
different look at the myth of Narcissus, traditionally seen as a tale
of excessive love. In this interpretation, “it’s a story of being
stuck, immobilized, fixed in a death dance”(28). Healthy self-love
would have enabled a moving on to get true needs met.
Aside from being
warned against self-love, I gather that clinging to a false image
will keep one from knowing the true self and moving on to maturity.
As the Psalmist tells us, “Behold you delight in truth in the
inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart” (Psalm
51:6). God desires truth in our hearts, and he bestows what he
intends by giving wisdom. I appreciate that the Scriptures encourage
realistic appraisal, not thinking too high of ourselves (see Romans
12:3). Nor should we think too little of ourselves, another form of
narcissism.
So if I understand
correctly, Narcissus was immobilized by his desire to obtain
something illusory. He was stuck in unreality, not able to embrace
imperfection and limitation, which would make him vulnerable.
Narcissists avoid
vulnerability. They project a front to protect themselves, but in so
doing they lose the capacity for intimacy.
The third chapter
uses the Enneagram to identify nine masks or personas associated with
narcissistic behavior. The author writes, “To my knowledge, no one
has made a clear connection between the Enneagram and personality
disorders before. However, having worked with and taught the
Enneagram for more than fifteen years, I think the connections I make
are worthwhile and helpful additions to conversations on both
narcissism and the Enneagram” (48). Those familiar with Enneagram
will appreciate this analysis, and those like me who have little or
no knowledge of it should still be able to glean insight. Each
chapter including this one has a list of additional resources.
The book goes on to
explore the many facets of this subject. It’s a fitting textbook
but also points the way toward healing and transformation. Most
impressive for me is the balance and maturity. A book like this could
have easily devolved into finger pointing. Instead we must examine
ourselves and the systems that we help perpetuate.
It’s ironic that
in looking for love and well-being, we put on masks in our hope of
obtaining it. I appreciate the attitude that Rich Mullins sings about
in his song “Peace”:
Though we’re
strangers, still I love you
I love you more
than your mask
Can we ever know
peace without discarding our masks? Can we know love as God intends
it apart from revealing our true selves?
